Looking Back

A year ago today, I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for ten months. And almost every month, I would get my emotions so wound up, hoping I was pregnant, only to find out I wasn't. The first time my period was five days late, I was convinced this was it. We were on vacation, so I didn't take a pregnancy test until we got home. It said negative and I immediately started my period. That type of timing went on for the next several months.

I had felt very strongly about the month of March and was sure, when I wasn't pregnant before then, that I would get pregnant in March. That's when I went eight weeks between periods. Still all the pregnancy tests said I wasn't pregnant.

By the time June came around, I decided to start taking my temperature so that I would know when I ovulated. Normally, that happens two weeks after your last period. Mine was four. I didn't think I could possibly be pregnant, so I ended up waiting three weeks from ovulation before taking a test. I couldn't handle another negative.

The day before, I remember feeling a little bit queasy. My boobs had been hurting really bad, my emotions had been so out of whack, and I had been craving fruit all week. So I decided I'd better succumb and take the test.

Brandon and I were so excited when it turned out we were finally going to have a baby. I wanted my mom to be the first person we told, but since she was on a cruise at the time, we emailed her a picture of Brandon holding the test. So I guess that made Holly the first person I actually told. Following that, I told all the other wives out in Colorado for the summer, and then Samuel called and I told him. Brandon told his family, but we decided to hold off on telling the rest of mine until my birthday. I figured anyone that loved me enough to call me on my birthday was worthy of hearing our great news (and since it was only a difference of two days, it wasn't that big of a deal). I know some people like to wait until they're twelve weeks to tell, but there's no way we could keep such a huge secret to ourselves. And I was convinced that after ten months of nothings, this one was gonna stick.

As it turned out, Caleb was born in March, so my feelings for that month weren't entirely off. I just wasn't as in tune as I should have been. Otherwise I could have saved myself a whole lot of heartbreak in the mean time.

Now, having Caleb is such a delight in my life. He is getting so big and I miss my little baby whom I could just cuddle up with all the time. Today he took pity on me, knowing how much I miss that, and was extra cuddly. Sometimes being a parent is so hard. And other times, I can't think of anything better or more rewarding to do with my life.

I just love that little baby so much. And I'm positive that he came to us at the precise time he was meant to come.