Ranting

I'm sure you want to see pictures from Caleb's birthday. Well, at least I know my mom really does, so I figure there's probably at least one other person out there who does too. But in all honesty, I don't really like the pictures from Caleb's birthday and just don't have the energy to try and fix them just yet.

So instead, I'm posting today because I want to complain. I have a whole other blog, which I don't let anyone read, reserved for complaining because I don't like to do it here. But I'm hoping someone can solve all my problems for me, or at least tell me that they struggle too and I'm not alone in this, so I'm writing it here.

I seriously struggle with being offended. I get offended so very easily. So easily. And when I get offended, it's so unbelievably hard for me to forgive.

I asked Brandon about this a while back, looking for some sort of fix-it answer. He said that he tries to think of possible explanations as to why a person behaves the way they do. Tries to see it from their perspective. And I can do that. At least, I can do that with complete strangers. I can do it with idiot drivers and not get mad at them for being such idiots. Which is funny since Brandon gets so mad at drivers, but can be much more forgiving of people he actually knows.

My problem stems from the fact that the more I love someone, the more offended I can get by them. Which is bad, because then the people that I should be more forgiving of, more tolerant of their faults, I end up furiously angry with. The kind of anger that boils and festers for years sometimes.

Last summer, there were a couple of girls that I thought I was friends with. Then it turned out that maybe we weren't actually friends and that really bothered me. It didn't bother me that I wasn't friends with everyone, or that people I never hung out with didn't want to hang out with me. Nope, just those who I first loved. It bothered me for weeks. Made me so depressed. Finally, with my husband's encouragement, I tried to talk to them about it. Maybe I wasn't as straight forward as I ought to have been, since most things were denied and some sort of friendship was rekindled. Only I know that at least one of the girls really doesn't like me and so I don't like her.

But that's just one little example. From a girl I didn't have much of a relationship with to start with and now don't have any sort of friendship, except to be fake polite if we're in the same room for some reason.

Where I really suffer is with people that I've loved for a lot longer. People that I expect to love me back, and hence to act like they love me. It's these people that I get so offended by, so angry at, and it just ruins my spirit. I obsess over it for days, weeks, months, and in some cases, it's been years now. How do you forgive people that are supposed to love you but treat you like crap? People that you can't cut out of your life because your lives, and everyone you know, is so intertwined that there's no way to avoid them?

I'm sorry to be ranting so long about nothingness. I'm just really upset and it's stupid really, to be writing all this here where I can't even explain why I'm upset because I don't want to offend anyone.

I guess that's the thing of it -- if you love someone, you should be able to see things from their side, and not act like such a selfish jerk and not do things that you know are going to break their hearts. And as for me, I'm sorry, but right now, I don't see a way to forgive stupidity like that. I don't know how to forgive someone who should know better but is intentionally cruel, no matter what their reasons.

So, my plea to anyone still ready this rant: don't be so mean to the people that love you. You're breaking our hearts.

Anyway, sorry for all the complaining. I'll try not to do it again. And in hopes of leaving you on a more positive note, here's a picture from Caleb's birthday.